I sit on my bed looking out the window at the sunrise filtering through rain clouds, thunder still rumbling somewhere off in the distance. It’s September 2nd, not usually known to be a day of thunder and rain in the Central Valley of California. It’s quiet in the house. I awoke early to get ready for a busy day. I searched until I found the dainty gold necklace given to me 25 years ago. One of the thing earrings is missing and it hurts my heart. I hold out hope it is nearby and not gone forever. He wanted me to have diamonds. In the center of each one is a tiny diamond reminding me of his extravagant love for me.

Scott and I got married on this day thirty years ago. His sister asked me a very thoughtful question this morning and I’ve been reveling in it. “What is your favorite memory from that day?” My first thought was our quiet moments alone in the sanctuary of the church on the corner of Jean Duluth Road and Glenwood Street. We had decided to have a moment alone for us to see each other for the first time that day. Sweet tenderness. Adoring eyes. A gentle kiss. Our day. The turning of the page to a new chapter. The first day in the life of the Scott Blom family. I smile as tears fill my eyes.

Thirty years. How has that much time passed? How is it that our twenty first anniversary is the last we got to celebrate? And here I am. Treasuring and missing and wondering where we would have adventured this year. It was our tradition to go on a long getaway every five years. Surely this would have been no exception. Maybe we would have gone back to Germany to be in the spaces where we first met. I’ve been there without him struggling to remember specific streets and restaurants and mourning that I cannot ask him.

I am confident we would still be madly in love and enjoying our lives as empty nesters. We had so looked forward to that season. We just loved being a team, doing life together, being on mission together.

Scott, you loved me deeply. I flourished in the light of your love. Its glow still washes over me. I miss you. Our lives together race through my thoughts like a slideshow going too fast. What is the common theme is my hand in yours and the depth of tenderness in your eyes. You pointed me to Jesus. You moved me toward growth and strength. We learned how to love and forgive and champion one another. We got impatient and missed each other. We believed the best and pursued intimacy. What a beautiful gift was being loved by you.

Today I will engage with those around me. I will celebrate Barry’s parents’ 58th anniversary with them while Barry is flying in Alaska. I will buy people flowers and marvel in God’s provision of life and love after so much loss. I will be tenderly loved by this husband of my middle age as I miss the husband of my youth. It is all so much for a heart to hold and it wells up in my eyes.

On this day of remembering I will see God provide and comfort and there will be joy and sorrow and what a gift to have the muscles to hold them both.