Those first few weeks I had an almost tangible sense of being covered and sheltered. I was so thankful since I didn’t have the energy or the words to figure out what I needed. The measure of God’s grace was palpable.
Since those days I’ve been aware that I have more “normal”, every day sorts of struggles- pride, getting out of bed, making a meal, cleaning up a mess, taking my thoughts captive. I have moments of thinking that it doesn’t seem fair that I have to struggle with sin or the wiles of the enemy while I’m bearing the weight of grief. Really?!
So I went down that road with the Lord. And here’s where I ended up.
I am only as unprotected as I choose to be. My refuge and strength are always available. I only need to ask. To notice. To choose.
“But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress. O my Strength, I will sing praises to you, for you, O God, are my fortress, the God who shows me steadfast love.” -Psalm 59:16-17
And if my heart’s best place is depending on God, and I believe it is, then needing to ask is just what my heart requires to keep me in my right place and God in His.
And I see that it is His grace to me in this as well. The asking. The seeing the answers. The sensing His presence.
Those first days and weeks were unique. I am glad to not be there. But I do cherish the sweetness of being held so close. No words. Just presence. Breathing. Being.
I choose to go there now. My heart needs it and it is ever waiting for me because my Heavenly Father not only knows what I need, but has all the power to provide it.
The unexpected journey into grief 
“I am only as unprotected as I choose to be.” I think I need these words tattooed on my forehead or hand. Thank you, Julie, for inviting us into your journey again, and for reminding me of this life-giving reality.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Praying for your heart, Debi.
LikeLike
Such a beautiful truth and reminder to us all. Thank you.
LikeLike
Thank you, Kerri.
LikeLike
Beautiful writing! Thanks for letting us walk with you and share your thoughts.
LikeLike
Thanks for walking with me, Bel.
LikeLike
Your words bring to mind the opening lines of one of my favorite Psalms, 16: “Keep me safe, O God, for I have come to You for refuge.” (Refuge from fatigue, discouragement, frustration…myself.) Your words are true. Thank you for sharing.
LikeLike
So many times refuge is mentioned in the Psalms. A whole treasure hunt of its own.
LikeLike
This really resonated with me. I have tried to figure out how to describe those first few weeks after Knox died and you just did… protected… sheltered… cared for. We share a God that loves us well through the hard times; grateful you know Him and this truth.
LikeLike
I love that He is so consistent and so personal in His care. Thank you for doing this with me.
LikeLike
Love your word choices Julie. Sheltered/protected/cared for.
LikeLike
What grace to be able to say those things and see God’s hand of provision.
LikeLike