Today was a…celebration…day of sorrow…time to recount blessings. All of it. It has left me wrung out and still with a small smile that creeps to the corners of my mouth.

I wore Zach’s darn tough socks today (they’re pretty awesome). I made some rhubarb bars. I went fishing. I looked at his picture. I heard his voice in videos. His smile and laugh bring a smile and a deep pain. Oh I miss him. So much wondering about who he was becoming.

And I walked around like I was going through molasses. This is hard. He would have been 14. The verb tenses. The math. Amazing how much they signify.

And I remember going fishing with him and Scott and Kaitlyn last summer. It was perfect day. I don’t think I caught anything. We just were together. Predictably Zach caught the most fish. He sure loved to fish. So many things made his face light up. Time together was definitely one of them. He loved it when the whole family was home together.

He also loved playing games. I’m not sure it much mattered what it was. Together. Life with. Presence. The here and now. He did it so well. I knew it but now I know it. I see it. He even knew it. He would comment on how he was content wherever he was. Being. Funny how I can learn from him the very thing we thought we were teaching.

Hogan’s Heroes, Larkrise to Candleford, Chopped. Some of his favorite shows. Adventures in Odyssey was often heard playing in his room no matter what else he was doing.

Today I caught a pike. It might be my first. I can’t even remember. But I think I’ll remember this one. It was good to get out and do something he loved. I’m grateful to have such a great guy to remember. I got to be his mom. What a gift.