School is starting. The pictures are up on Facebook. This morning I was scrolling through and it hit me afresh that Kaitlyn would have been 10th grade and Zach 8th. I have no one in a grade this year. The pictures from the first days of school from past years are a bit painful to look at right now. Last year’s pics on the porch are some of my favorites of all time.

I find it hard to believe they would have been in 8th and 10th grades but instead they are locked forever in 7th and 9th. We don’t get to know them as anything higher.

Occasionally I wonder what this week would have looked like if nothing had changed. I don’t spend much time thinking about it, mostly because I don’t know how. We would have made all kinds of decisions together about finishing up summer in Port Alsworth and getting Sam to school and helping Kaitlyn and Zach be ready to start and cross country practices.

Instead I’m here in Wenatchee with Ben and Pam and their kids. We leave for Bozeman today to get Sam moved in at MSU. This time next week I’ll be heading back to Port Alsworth.

So even as my heart squeezes as I see pictures, I’ll focus on being present where I am. The both/and just keeps coming.