Not good enough

Today I don’t want stories and pictures, videos and voicemails. I don’t want thoughts and trying to find joy. I don’t want to admit that the memories we have are all there will ever be.

I want to read an article about raising a 13-year old boy and have it apply to me. I want to say I’m sorry for being busy and missing things I should have seen. I want to kiss their cheeks and hold them close and tickle and giggle and tell them about my day and hear about theirs. 

Instead, I have to begin the process of accepting. All I can do is picture those things happening. And it makes me mad. Mad that it has to be done at all. Mad that they won’t be coming home. Mad that my boys have to figure out how to live their new stories too. Mad that I can’t make it better for them any more than my friends  and family can make it better for me. Mad that people I meet won’t be able to know these precious people.

And it stinks. There are no two ways about it.

4 thoughts on “Not good enough

  1. I just want to hug you, Julie….for now, I can just hug you with prayers….and cry, having been touched by what is in your heart….I keep thanking the LORD that you share.


  2. Grief is such an odd fellow, choosing times and places to strike. Sending you all my love, Julie. Let the rain fall so you can get to the sunshine again.


  3. Yes, I agree, it does stink!! And, that’s a legitimate perspective! It’s an extremely hard way. And it’s the only way you get; there are no forks in this road, And it’s because God says ‘this is your way to go’. It’s can be so hard to love and trust Him when you feel this way as our emotions don’t always square with truth. And the truth is “God is good”. So very hard to believe some days, and sometimes our intellect needs to just hold on when our emotions won’t. I’m a friend of Doug and Julie, and I am praying for you tonight and sending you my love. Robin Block


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