I sit with memories of Scott, Kaitlyn and Zach flooding through my mind. Some are so vivid I feel like I’m right there. Others seem fuzzy or faded or far away.
And I’m not sure I can remember their voices. And I fight to remember what it felt like to hug them or how they walked. Panic wants to well up inside me; grasping at the memories. Moments of panic at the threat of forgetting.
Then peace that passes understanding offers me a place to be. I find that even here there is peace that I can trust my Heavenly Father to hold the memories I need, to bring them to mind at the best times. One more thing I can’t control, but it provides the chance for one more place to offer it to Jesus.
I keep learning new ways to trust. New muscles that I didn’t know existed. Have you ever worked out so hard and the next day you “find” those muscles? This has been so strenuous, such a new kind of exertion and there is pain in places I didn’t know existed. There are also places God is showing Himself to be trustworthy that I didn’t know were even an options.
Today it is memories. I can trust God with my memories. When I panic and grasp and feel the experience of them being here slipping away, I can bring it to my gracious, kind, tender Heavenly Father to hold me, and my memories.
The unexpected journey into grief 
I love you so. God has gifted you with expression. I guess that’s how I should put it. Because it’s more than writing. Thank you for sharing this with us.
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“How To Say Goodbye”
Tell me when the time we had slipped away
Tomorrow turned to yesterday
And I don’t know how
Tell me what can stop this river of tears
It’s been building up for years
For this moment now
Here I stand
Arms open wide
I’ve held ya close
Kept ya safe
Till you could fly
Tell me where the road ahead is gonna bend
And how to harness up the wind
And how to say goodbye
Tell me why
Why does following your dreams
Take you far away from me
And I knew that it would
Tell me how to fill the space you left behind
And how to laugh instead of cry
And how to say goodbye
Here I stand
Arms open wide
I’ve held ya close
Kept ya safe
Till you could fly
Tell me where the road ahead is gonna bend
And how to harness up the wind
And how to say goodbye
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I love listening to Michael W smith and this is one of his songs.
It’s hard day by day but you are expressing your feelings very well. Love you much and if I was there, I would hug you. Lots of prayers.
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As we have physical muscle memory, I pray for you to have mental and tactile muscle memory — because He cares and He is able.
Love and continuing prayers,
Becky’s MIL
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