Missing us

Mourning 3 is a tricky business. They are all so different. Sometimes I feel the loss of the quantity, like when we have 7 around the table, but it’s the “wrong 7” (note: Katie has been living with us for over a year and a half. Didn’t want the number 7 to be confusing). Or when I sit between Josh and Sam and feel the smallness of my whole family being one on either side of me. Some days I spend more time thinking about Kaitlyn or Zach.

But tonight as I stretch and get ready to crawl into bed I miss Scott as my champion and encourager. I miss having him near knowing he always wanted what was best for me. It helped me choose well knowing he was there, caring that I was thriving. I miss seeing in his eyes that he was proud of me and so very for me. 

His presence. I suppose what I miss is his presence. The whole thing. The physical touch. The emotions. The twinkle in his eyes. The mischief. The serious. Hearing him pray. The sound of coffee grinding in the morning and trying not to be irritated that I could hear it. The way he took such good care of the physical things he’d been entrusted with. How hard he worked. His commitment to finishing things. His laugh, do we have to that recorded somewhere? His love for me. Being us. We were at good us. 

11 thoughts on “Missing us

  1. Julie;
    I have been reading all of your blogs, they are simply beautiful! I haven’t commented until now and I guess I should have when you first started this. I just don’t have the words of what you are going through! I have known you for many years and you have helped me when I was down and I thank you for that! I’m hoping that you and the boys can make it here to Arizona sometime this yr we have plenty of room for you guys! Just know that Bob Kari and I are always in our thoughts and prayers! We Love You!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I was sharing with Dan and Linda Stephens yesterday about your blogs. Dan is one of our chaplains at OHOP. Thanks for sharing your heart and it helps me know better how to pray for you and your boys…..because I can’t honestly imagine walking down this valley you are now having walk. I have thought about many times with the life we lead but have always managed to put it back deep in the back of my mind somewhere. Please know that I do pray for you and will continue in the days and months and years ahead. Much love to you and LORD bless this sweet mother and give her your strength and mercy …….and YOUR PEACE LORD JESUS. Thank your for hearing our prayers and wiping our tears and for your everlasting faithfulness. . . We love you LORD.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Julie it was nice to meet you at family conference. Making new memories and thinking about the old ones at the same time is always hard.
    I can’t understand your pain but as I look at your two boys, I can understand how they feel. It’s been awhile since my sister passed and only a few years for my brother. But know this, Songs help with the sleeping.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I hope you keep chronicling your journey. Tomorrow marks four months since I lost my 12 and 13-year-old boys in a car accident. I have felt so much guilt when I find myself on occasion thinking about or seemingly missing one more than the other. It’s hard to know what’s “normal” in grief but maybe it’s okay to not mourn equally all the time. I’m so, so sorry for your losses.

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  5. Thank you for sharing your story and your journey. I can’t even imagine. I love the quote you shared about the beautiful and the hard and the beautifully hard and hardly beautiful. Know that lots of people are praying for you all!

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