That’ll be a life-changer…
And all the ways that is true play across my mind like a film. Such random things flash through my mind. Alone. I will be alone much more often much sooner than I had planned. I don’t need to buy slippers for Scott or curtains for Kaitlyn or…what were we even going to get Zach anyway? The food at my house will last so much longer. Christmas will be quiet, eerily quiet. We have too many steaks for Christmas Eve.
Parenting… I don’t need to figure out how to help Zach learn how to study or how to talk to Kaitlyn about relationships with boys. I have a lot more time on my hands. I relish that though and fear it, but less than I would have even a few years ago.
I have to shift my dependence from Scott to a great, cavernous abyss. I know dependence on My Heavenly Father is always there, and He provided Scott as my go to here. I have no one I can go to like that- in complete freedom, vulnerability and trust. I am a great wife. I’m good at it. He made me good at it, desiring to be the best at it. Beautiful. Cherished. Intimate. Known. Loved. Oh so loved, so deeply loved. He saw the best.
Europe isn’t so appealing. We had planned to go there when we had an empty nest. I see opportunities to be away freely and the potential to invest deeply in our region. Africa? I could visit friends. I so wanted to do that with Kaitlyn. Sam’s senior trip to Gettysburg. We will make that happen.
Details. Life insurance. Paying off the house. FAFSA. Income. Covering Josh’s flight costs. Paying for Sam’s schooling. Counsel on investing. Steep learning curves. The lodge. Summer trips. Summer. Coffee. Furniture. Bedrooms. My sons. No father. Where do they seek counsel? Vacuum. Void.
Three. Not six. Never six. Some day maybe 5. Spouses who never knew them. Never knew them. So many who never knew them. Too precious to share, too beautiful to keep to ourselves.