That’ll be a life-changer…

And all the ways that is true play across my mind like a film. Such random things flash through my mind. Alone. I will be alone much more often much sooner than I had planned. I don’t need to buy slippers for Scott or curtains for Kaitlyn or…what were we even going to get Zach anyway? The food at my house will last so much longer. Christmas will be quiet, eerily quiet. We have too many steaks for Christmas Eve. 

Parenting… I don’t need to figure out how to help Zach learn how to study or how to talk to Kaitlyn about relationships with boys. I have a lot more time on my hands. I relish that though and fear it, but less than I would have even a few years ago.

I have to shift my dependence from Scott to a great, cavernous abyss. I know dependence on My Heavenly Father is always there, and He provided Scott as my go to here. I have no one I can go to like that- in complete freedom, vulnerability and trust. I am a great wife. I’m good at it. He made me good at it, desiring to be the best at it. Beautiful. Cherished. Intimate. Known. Loved. Oh so loved, so deeply loved. He saw the best.

Europe isn’t so appealing. We had planned to go there when we had an empty nest. I see opportunities to be away freely and the potential to invest deeply in our region. Africa? I could visit friends. I so wanted to do that with Kaitlyn. Sam’s senior trip to Gettysburg. We will make that happen. 

Details. Life insurance. Paying off the house. FAFSA. Income. Covering Josh’s flight costs. Paying for Sam’s schooling. Counsel on investing. Steep learning curves. The lodge. Summer trips. Summer. Coffee. Furniture. Bedrooms. My sons. No father. Where do they seek counsel? Vacuum. Void.

Three. Not six. Never six. Some day maybe 5. Spouses who never knew them. Never knew them. So many who never knew them. Too precious to share, too beautiful to keep to ourselves.

9 thoughts on “Life-changer

  1. Thank you so much for sharing your heart mom! I love reading your blogs it warms my heart but also my heart just longs to be with you all the time. I wished I could help in some way. If there is anthing I can do, please feel free to let me know. You and the guys are in my prayers. I love you all so very much and you know that, but I’m always going to let you know. ❤ God is with you all, He always will be. He will step in and provide for your needs.

    ~Love, Kenzie Girl


  2. you are loved and prayed for Julie. Come to Europe and visit us in Spain. You are welcome with or without the boys. God is still good and worthy of our dependence and faith.
    long tight hugs to you


  3. Oh sweet friend! It wrenches my heart to read your words and feel your pain, your deep and great loss. The waves of grief keep hitting me again and again for all that you have lost and I’m currently in a puddle of tears here in Colorado thinking about you! I want to help you process, but feel that you are doing better than I would be if I were in your shoes, and what help can I be to you really?! I can pray, and I DO pray often, as each wave hits me, I know that is what I am called to do, as are so many, who ALL love you dearly and want to wrap you in our arms and cry with you. I can’t even write with the tears in my way.
    You make me want to be a better wife, friend, mother, sister and daughter just by reading your journal as you journey this grief path. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability ~ I pray that God meets you every step of your journey and lifts your head to see His face shining upon you! You are doing well my friend, you are brave and you are so very loved!


  4. Julie, I don’t know you but my dear friends Joy G and Jenny B do and a handful of others. Thank you for sharing your grief and pain with us. Praying for you, Josh and Sam through tears. Love Cary from Colorado


  5. It is 5am and I can’t sleep. I know God has something to say to me, so I am obedient and just get up and quietly go to my prayer space. I resist the pull of His direction and sneak a peak at Facebook for just one minute before I begin and the first thing I see is my friend Jane Graham’s post of your blog. I don’t even know you but I prayed for you when Jane shared this tragic turn of events in your life and it is for this reason I guess why I continue to use Facebook when I many times have wanted to turn the chatter off!! After reading your post with tears streaming down my face and feeling the ache in my heart that I’ve had so many times before just in imagining how I would hold up if this kind of darkness entered my doorway, I went to my meditation for today…….The Stranger At The Well in my Book Of Mysteries by Jonathan Cahn. I was suppose to read it yesterday but got interrupted and put it aside and so it came to me this morning. Felt led to write it out for you. God works in mysterious ways Julie….I hope it soothes your soul.

    ” There was no one at the well but a single woman with a clay pitcher in her hand. She was standing there as if lost in thought. “Did you ever wonder why Rebekah met Abraham’s servant at the well?” asked the teacher. “It would make sense.” I replied. “The women would go there to draw water as would Abraham’s servant to draw water for his camels.”
    “Yes, but God planned the encounter from the beginning. And did you know that meeting the bride at the well is a theme in Scripture? Isaac’s wife was found at the well, Isaac’s son Jacob would find his wife Rachel also at a well, and even Moses would find his wife, Zipporah, at a well. The bride is found at the well.”
    “And why is that?”
    “A well is the place where the thirsty come to drink, a place where needs are fulfilled. Remember what Abraham’s servant represented, the Spirit of God, the Servant of the Father. Why at a well? Because the Father’s Servant always meets the bride at a well. That’s where the Spirit of God meets us, at a well, in our place of need, thirst, and emptiness. It’s in our need that we’re most open. That’s when most people meet God, receive the Spirit, and become the bride. You see, need is not a bad thing, nor is emptiness. It’s what you do with it. Everyone has needs, everyone thirsts, and every heart knows emptiness. But that’s where the Spirit will meet you, at the well, in your place of need and emptiness. And so it becomes a holy place. And He will meet you there not just once, but all the days of your life. So don’t despise your needs. Don’t try to extinguish the thirst of your soul or fight the emptiness of your heart. In God, such things become sacred. Let them instead fulfill their purpose, to bring you closer, to the Bridegroom and to the filling up of those needs with the waters of the Spirit. So the next time you find yourself thirsting, longing and feeling the pangs of emptiness, bring your thirst to His waters. And there you will find a stranger, a sacred Guest and a holy Visitor who will meet you at the well”
    Praying for you Julie….we are all one in Christ and so feel each others sorrow. I have learned that God does not promise us a life in this world that is free of that sorrow but He does promise us that He will walk with us as we go through it.


  6. Julie, Your grief hurts me. I cannot fathom how you feel, but I’m sure you faith battles against your grief. We know we will be reunited someday, but today, we’re still stuck here, alone, but not alone. You still have a mission, a purpose, a reason to stay strong, a witness to those weaker than you. Chuck and I will keep you in our prayers. We will lift you up so you will not carry that burden alone. Know you are still loved by many, and by Him and them.


  7. The thought of those who never knew them is too much for me. I’m thinking how the memories will be sweet in time, the funny stories about them, the quirks and ways they left their imprint on your hearts will become beauty instead of ashes. I love you and am praying for you.


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